Memory

My baby niece was born Easter Monday. Her beautiful face looks just like our babies, like her older cousins and her siblings and her aunties and uncles and parents when we were all babies. My very cells recognize her. The moment I saw her my heart broke open again to eat her up. My ovaries leapt. I want another one. I want her. I want one like her.

Our memories continually rewrite themselves. As we access them and relive them and subtly revise them, they go back in altered form to be reaccessed and altered over and over again until they fit. Fit what?

I want to alter the moment I first saw A's face. She did not look like the babies in our family. Something was wrong and I knew it immediately.

I want to tell the story again over and over until it fits. The view from here is full of love and joy and acceptance. Not only do I recognize her now, I see that she recognizes me. She sees everything, my full of surprises miracle and the drawer out of inner things.

I want to rewrite that moment to imbue it with all I can see from here 5 years later. I want that moment to be like the moment I saw my son, my niece and all of the others. I want to erase the disappointment, the sadness, the despair and above all the fear which still leaves it's almost invisible trail over mine.

I met a 3 month old baby recently. She was at the playgroup we attend with other families that thrive and sometimes struggle with an extra chromosome. She was beautiful. She was perfect. My heart broke open for her too. I can see from here how she is exactly who she needs to be, with her littleness and her wonderfully alert expression surprising her parents and brother continually just like our mysterious surprise child.

When I tell A about her birth, how will the story go? I was scared? I didn't know what to do, how to go on? How to start over? Will I tell her I had to fight to feed her for nearly 2 months with a fight so intense I forgot about Down Syndrome? Like Pi fighting the tiger in his life boat. Will I tell her how quickly she came and how the birth labour paled in comparison to the labour of the heart that followed? Will I tell her that I had grieved for another baby that didn't make it and that there was no way I was going to let doctors probe her in utero to give me the choice of termination? Will I say any of this or will I let her shining presence be enough.

This child doesn't need a story. This child is here and fully present containing everything, reflecting everything, releasing everything and holding nothing. It is enough to just be with her and let the magic work.

So the magic slowly edits that moment, polishing away the edges of fear and sadness to a smooth shine reflecting the gratitude for every second we've got.

2010

This has been quite an intense year. We started with big hopes that we would get more sleep and that FarMor would be ok. We thought we'd get away on vacation at some point and we were excited about kindergarten. Well, it's been completely different than what we wished for in all those areas but we have been very blessed in other areas.

We are still really tired. Little A still wakes up in the night, some nights quite alot. We have night weaned and now we are considering either bringing her bed into our room or keeping in her own room and let her cry more than we do now (which is not too much). If I knew what would work, I would just do it but I feel my mother's instinct is quite blank in this area. All I know is we really need some sleep. We were just visiting Farfar and we all slept in one room. Weirdly, that worked out just fine and she slept through the night for both nights we were there. So, perhaps a clue.

We have not had a vacation but we are going to go to a friend's cabin tomorrow morning. Whoo hoo!

The kindergarten transition needs its own post but let's just say it was WAY more intense than even I was expecting. The good news is, little T got an award for most improved so things are looking up.

I have completed 4 out of 5 of the Coach Training Institute's foundation courses. I am completely amazed by this curriculum and very excited about how I will work with it in my life and future work. I'm still at home right now and I hope to be for awhile longer. I feel so lucky that we've been able to eke it out on one income and with one car. I think it's been really important for both kids.

What am I proud of this year?
I'm so proud of my kids. Little T for handling the roller coaster of emotion around him and within himself and for making new friends at school and being able to express his fears more clearly. Little A for just being so clear and open. For trying hard and for fighting back. For signing and using the potty and telling us off when we've pushed her too far. I'm proud of DH big T for working so hard and being so present with all that was going on. I'm especially grateful for the night time parenting help. For myself, I'm proud of trying something new and taking a risk on the CTI training. I'm proud to be listening to more of myself, not just the very, very strong left brain where all the worry comes from but other signals too. Signals that say, stay home if you want to, it'll be fine. So what if you can't buy all the boots you want? There will be other times for that stuff.

What do I want more of next year?
Of course I want more sleep. That is the foundation of everything else. I would like to see my friends and family more. I would like this place to be a hub of social activity as well as a refuge from it. I would like to write. Here and maybe elsewhere. I would like a few trips. I would like to have lots and lots of time with the kiddos while they still want to hang out with me. Oh yeah, it would be good to read some books.

So, we wish you all the best New Year and we hope you can take some time to take stock and consider what you want to keep and what you want to leave behind.

FarMor

On Oct. 21, 2010 we lost FarMor. I suppose she was leaving for awhile but she was remarkably present even at Thanksgiving when I last saw her. She had been battling cancer since spring 2009 but I for one thought she had it beaten last Christmas. When she and FarFar returned from Hawaii in spring of this year, her oncologist told us the cancer was back full force and from then on she went into an intense period of chemotherapy and surgeries. She fought hard and did everything she could to gain more time. We are lucky for every minute we had with her.

She was beautiful, graceful, elegant, an amazing event planner and hostess, an artist and an all around fascinating person. I hope and pray that the many gifts she had are passed on to her kids and my kids.

I bought these crazy sunglasses this year thinking they were so Fellini. I was wearing them on a visit over to see Farmor and she got such a kick out of them. So I handed them over. Here she is with FarFar on the deck enjoying the sunshine in late summer looking like a movie star.

humuhumunukunukuapua'a

Farmor, your grandson has something to say to you.

Birthdays

So, this post is about 2 months late. The kids were born 4 years minus one week apart so there is alot of birthday activity in early March. When T turned 1, we had a big bash to celebrate. It was more about us getting through that first intense year than about fun for him. Subsequent birthdays have been all about him. This year it seemed fitting to celebrate the two big milestones so we had another big bash. It was great, we may never do it again but it was super fun and a lovely way to celebrate our lovely girl's first year and our young man's fifth.

As in the past, we didn't get any pictures. We were too busy talking and dealing with cake and food and coming and going. Fortunately this time I handed our video camera to a friend and asked her to get some footage. It has taken me a long time to get any time to put this together but here is a little taste of birthday week 2010. The song in the video is Kooks by David Bowie. My friend S reminded me of this song just before A was born and it has been her best lullaby ever since.

A year ago we were leaving for Kamloops, shifting out of the shock of A's diagnosis and trying to find a shaky footing on the road to acceptance. We were also rejoicing at her new found successful breast feeding latch after a 6 week odyssey of trying everything. She has lead us on quite a journey since then. I have big hopes that she will continue to teach us and show us what really matters. Happy, happy birthday to both my magic love children and thank you both for landing on our little planet.

A Haiku for my Mom

You had five children

Now I know what a hero

You were and still are

Happy Birthday

Big Bird in a Small Cage

Sometimes a piece of music becomes the soundtrack for a period in your life. This year, on Mother's Day the boys gave me Patrick Watson's latest album (yes he still makes albums). It's called 'Wooden Arms'. The whole thing is amazing. I don't know why this guy isn't mega famous.

We rarely get out as a couple but last week, T looked at his fancy pants iPhone and it told him that PW was coming to town so he bought us some tickets just like that. After scrambling for childcare (thanks buddy M!) we made it and I have to say it was the best show I've ever seen. I know I haven't got much memory left and it's been a long time since I went out to shows but really, it was simply amazing. It was like watching someone shining in their complete gift and sharing it so it spilled everywhere and made everyone else shine too.

The standout track for us is called 'Big Bird in a Small Cage'. It's A's song because that's what she is.

"If you open up your ears and heart, you put a big bird in a small cage and he'll sing you a song..."

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is one of my favourite holidays. You get to feast and celebrate with your loved ones but there's no pressure to buy everyone their dream come true. You just show up (or host) and have a great time. If you're paying attention to the season, you also reflect on your many blessings. I am grateful for so much this year. For little A who is a sparkly sparkle, for her health and for all the people, old friends and new, who stepped in and helped us out when she was born. That was only 7 months ago and it was without a doubt the craziest, most intense time of my life so far. I'm grateful for little t who is also a sparkly sparkle star. He has embraced A with so much love and acceptance and it's inspiring. For big T being a good man in a storm. For my family who also embraced us all and some of whom camped out here until we were ok. I'm grateful for my friend S who has opened many doors of inquiry, curiousity, healing and self-knowledge. I'm grateful for every scrap of sleep. I'm grateful for the amazing trip to the big lake this summer. I'm grateful for the harvest. That's where this seasonal feasting all originated, the harvest, and I'm glad to 'subscribe' to a real harvest and feed my family with it.

We went to visit Farfar and Farmor this Thanksgiving. It was too short but still a wonderful trip. We are all grateful to them for the many many times they have hosted holidays and the huge effort they put into making it all very special. Thank you, thank you.

Here are some highlights; The picture at the top is the beautiful holiday table.

Blowing off some steam on the ferry. There was a looooonnnnnng wait to get on.


Here's t doing a dance of excitement after the long journey.



Here is a shot of FF & FM with the kids. Everyone is wearing bandanas that Tor picked out for them so they could all be cowboys.



Here are FM with A. They got along famously. A never missed a chance to smile at her FM.


It turns out the ergo carrier really can handle up to 40 lbs! Tor sometimes wants to be the baby so here he is in the carrier on the way home. We're practicing our 'Blue Steel' look for the camera.

Whoops

Well a few weeks turned into nearly two months. Alot has happened and changed including the season. My blogging time is severely curtailed. Little A's sleep has never been the same since we went east and I find I must follow the kids to bed or risk returning to the state of sleepless grumpy monster.

We had a great trip in July Aug (except for aforementioned sleep issues). We came home mid-Aug to have more park fun. Then we went to a fairly remote island in the Salish Sea altogether including T. This shot is from the mainland on the way home.


Now we are returning to some sort of routine. Preschool, playgroups and next month swimming lessons. A is eating solids and seems to love it. Days are busy and evenings very short. All this crunch will pass someday. Crumbs in the meantime.

Visit to Farfar and FarMor

There are many days when I'm way too tired to write anything. Other days we are way too busy. That was one of my hesitations in starting a blog but I'm still glad I started because I've felt more in touch with all of you and I've met a few nice people from around the world besides. I still haven't joined Facebook though. I can't imagine having time for that too.

So, a few weeks have passed since we visited Farfar and Farmor (father's father and father's mother in Danish) on the island but it was great fun and it's worth posting a few pictures. As usual we feasted like royalty. They always put on a huge spread of delicious food. We also visited a local beach which we had never seen before and the fisherman's wharf. Little A enjoyed being held and loved by her grandparents and t as always, enjoyed being a big ham for everyone.

Here are FF and FM on the beach


Here are t and FF showing off their belt buckles.


Cowboy t found a good horse


Cuddles with FM


Story time with FM

Happy Canada Day

No pictures today, it's too late. We went to the beach again and had a great time. We actually crossed the border into Point Roberts which is a little spit of land belonging to America but attached to Canada. We just wanted to look around and see if there are any nice beaches there. The line up to come back was nearly an hour and there was an altercation between a car trying to butt in line and the buttee. The latter crashed into the former and it was pretty silly. Meanwhile the kids are exhausted and A starts crying because the car is not moving. I'm not anxious to go back there.

I told t stories of Dad (Grandpa J) leaving Hungary and arriving in Canada. How he and Uncle F landed in Vancouver and had to take the train to Ontario. They had offers of adoption from all kinds of people but they eventually made it to Tillsonburg, went to school, learned English and grew to be fine Canadians. Canada Day was really important to Dad and it still means alot to me. What about all of you? What stories about Canada do you remember?